Interlude
All this talk about destiny and red strings of fate had me thinking of how lucky I am to be able to write this story now. It could have gone bad, well I guess you could say until very recently it has gone very bad indeed but I am amazed how people can forgive and forget, how they can put aside all the pain and see how that love is still worth it in the end.
Chapter 6: For A Month
It’s funny how promises you make gradually lose their effect once you used them too many times; before I would always say “Yes, I’ll be going home this year.” I never did. So by the time I knew I was definitely going home, I didn’t tell anyone. I just didn’t think of bothering people anymore. I thought whoever was available I can meet; I didn’t have to expect anything from anyone and also I liked the idea of witnessing people’s genuine reactions when they do finally see me after 9 long years, did I mention that already?
In the 9 long years I was away, I had made a checklist of what I wanted to do when I finally get back home. Granted it has been reduced to a smaller list over the years as my life and people around me changed, still I managed to keep a few things like:
- Celebrate the Holy Mass at St. Nicholas Cathedral
- Eat at Joey’s
- Visit friends who are still in Cabanatuan City
- Meet Florenz’ parents (even if she’s not around, buy them food and introduce myself regardless if she’s in a relationship or not)
- Eat tinned foods like: Argentina Corned Beef, Century Tuna and Maling
- Relive old memories
It was the 24th of December 2019 when I finally arrived with my dad, just in time for Christmas. It was a very wholesome night with my family, we ate our Noche Buena and caught up with things and tried to bridge the years of gap in between ourselves. The next day I attended the Holy Mass at St. Nicholas Cathedral and felt very blessed to be able to do so, that’s one thing off my checklist so far and it’s only my first day back. Afterwards I called her, I’ve not spoken to her properly ever since our talk.
I wanted to know if she’s around town and if we could meet, because despite of what happened to us she was still a very good friend of mine. I was glad to find out that she was; I didn’t want to bother anyone too much just to meet me and so I felt relieved. We set up a meeting place and time. I was prepared to meet her in person, physically, I should have probably thought more emotionally.
When she finally arrived I didn’t know how to greet her, do I hug her? do I shake her hand? I think I did both. It was a very warm feeling to be able to meet her again, she looked like…well she looked beautiful still as I have always seen her. But I should say here now that at that exact moment, I had no expectations nor any intention of rekindling our old feelings for each other. To me it was just like meeting a very old friend I haven’t seen for so long; and it felt just like that. I was relieved I didn’t throw myself at her and started asking questions about what went wrong in the past, I was glad I was able to meet her as a friend. We walked around for a bit though there wasn’t much to see as it was already around 8pm, we decided to just go to their house and have some dinner; also she wanted me to help her with some paperwork. It sounded like a very chill night for me so I agreed and went on with the plan. I don’t think anyone could have planned that night any better for both of us.
We got to their house and I finally got to introduce myself to her parents, I didn’t have any food with me but still I considered it a tick for my checklist. We had dinner and we talked, very casually. We talked about what has happened in our lives, how it felt like being back home after so many years, how she was doing with her work and about anything and everything. It was nice to have finally caught up with things, I was glad we were able to have normal conversations like that again but as the night got deeper; the conversation also started to shift into deeper stuff. Stuff like ‘What happened to us?’, ‘Why didn’t we work out?’ or ‘What could we have done?’ and ultimately we came to the conclusion that there was just no way around the thousands of miles between us. Understandably so. I thought that was it, I thought we had resolved the issue and we were finally able to let it go once and for all, and for real this time. But as I was talking about some final remarks and a few things I wanted to put across from my perspective I started to feel this sinking feeling in my heart, it was like finding locked chests being pried open. Emotions that were locked up, forgotten willingly, suddenly had the slightest window to creep back out and consume me once more. I felt an overwhelming feeling of hatred and pain but above all else, love. I realised I never stopped loving her, I just consciously forced myself to stop feeling that away anymore. And as I looked at her once more, I felt longing like I’ve never felt before…she’s right there, the girl of my dreams, she’s actually right there in front of me. I tried my best to conceal these emotions, I was shaking, I didn’t know what to do and I was glad when she finally stood up and it was finally time to say goodbye. We hugged, awkward at first but I couldn’t help myself to squeeze a bit tighter and feel her that way, she felt it and she did the same. It was all perfect, after this hug I could finally let her go, I had finally confirmed that what we felt during those times we were apart was true and I was happy because of it. Then I let slip these words, for some reason I thought it was the right time to say it and I did: “I still love you.”
I didn’t expect an answer. I never did, but it was still true and that was the end of it I thought. We said our goodbyes after that, there was a sense of finality for me and I left with a heavy heart, not because I was sad but because it was full. I thought it was alright it got full, I am very good at draining my heart after all, I’ll miss her for a few days again just like old times but at least it’s the final stretch of this long-winded love story.
It didn’t end there.
I woke up the next day feeling relieved, I can finally start my unplanned vacation having sorted everything out of the way. She’s crossed my mind a few times as I went on with my day, I thought of how awesome it would have been if we had more moments like the ones from the other night but at that point I knew I was reaching for something that’s just not gonna happen. So I just continued retracing and reliving memories around the city. I got home that day and she called; an unexpected call that might have just tugged on whatever string there still was in between us two.
People like to talk about what ifs when they’re apart and when they can’t do anything about the situation anymore. It makes the moment much more intense that way because there’s a sense of finality to it; but when you talk about what ifs and you can actually do something about it, that’s when you find out if whatever you’re theorising is just a theory or something that could really happen.
We talked about how maybe we can try, since I’m right there and when I would be back again; we had no idea. We talked about how maybe even just for a month we should see what could have happened all along and what would happen still. Just to test if whatever we felt was true, just to give us a final chance. If it didn’t work out then there’ll be no more regrets going forward, if it didn’t work out. At first it was just that, a trial period; a crazy idea about two people testing their feelings and fate but as it turned out: we really did love each other, more so than we thought then, especially then because we were finally together. I don’t think we could have ever prepared for how much affection for each other we’ve built up over the years, you tend to take it for granted when you’re miles and miles apart you see; but when we agreed on this “Boyfriend for a month” deal, we found out just how much it all was, and how much it still grows, to this day. So much so that we decided to make it official just a few days of being together, and even then I think we still thought of it as a trial period; we just decided to take off the alarm on our calendars of when to cancel the membership.
January 1st 2020, I got on my phone and explained to her mum about our situation. I wanted it to be brief but as you could probably tell, I have a tendency to be very wordy. I told her mum that I couldn’t let the chance go by, that if I did let it go I would regret it for the rest of my life; and I did feel that way. I told myself countless of times, as I have always had a broken heart prior to all of this (or a functioning one at the best) that I would never bother with anyone else anymore because it was just not worth it. But when I put that promise against Florenz, it fell apart so easily I wondered if I even had a shed of self-respect to begin with. I want you to understand that she meant that much to me, that I was ready to risk getting hurt again just to be able to love her again, to show her that it’s possible for us to make it happen. I told her mum that I really do love her and that it would be nice if could get their blessing. I’ve never done that before, ever, but I knew that if we were to start a relationship, that we should start things right. I was relieved to get her mum’s approval saying that she was fine with it and that I should take care of her daughter, that she’s giving us their blessing and that she’s wishing us the best of luck in this deal that we have going on. Just like that I was Florenz’ boyfriend, so many years in the making and it finally happened.
Now what to do? How to feel? Where to go? These were all the questions that ran through my head after coming to my senses and realising that after 7 years of not being in a relationship, I was actually in one.
We thoroughly enjoyed our time together, when we went on dates we had our best time talking. Just talking. About the future and about the things that were going on at the time, about how much we still wanted to do with our lives and how we should work things out if we decided to go through with our relationship after I’ve gone back. I felt loved and cared for, truly. There was a time in my life that I thought I’d never feel that way again but there she was, beside me, doing her sweet smile, talking to me with her soothing voice and then of course there’s the occasional glare or rolling of the eyes whenever I oversold a joke or just because she felt like doing so, and I loved her for it.
She liked to surprise me, I mentioned that I was craving for liver spread on pandesal one time and she went out of her way to make me some and deliver it personally. She woke me up one day and told me that she just wanted to see me quickly, needless to say my heart melted through the floor. It was the kind of relationship I never really experienced before, it was like we just knew how to play off each other and that the best thing we looked forward to was just being together. No fancy restaurants or overly priced food (though we did like eating out), we went on “dates” that were actually just us walking around and enjoying each other’s company. Her mum and dad would cook us food and we were happy spending the day just like that, I fell in love with her again and I fell in love with her family. They were very hospitable and welcoming despite the fact that they’ve only known me for less than a week, and I loved them for it.
There was one time we went to Baguio City because we’ve always talked about going even before, we struggled to find time to fit it in her schedule but we did manage to go. It was just magical to me, spending time with the girl of my dreams in the city high up in the mountains. I’ve secretly thought of doing my proposal to her then but decided against it as it would probably ruin the whole thing, plus it was very impractical for both our parts. I told her about this secret and we thought it would be funny if we gave our relatives some hints that such thing did happen, luckily no one believed us. But nevertheless it was probably one of the highlights of my visit, I just loved being around her, we walked through the night market together and I was just in bliss the whole time. There were some parts of me that couldn’t believe I was with her still to be honest, and she just somehow looked more and more beautiful each time I see her. How does that happen?
By that time it was almost time to go back, our 20 or so odd days blew past us so quickly. I couldn’t help but cry when it was time to leave, guess that’s a proof I’m still human. There was one thing that was very clear by this point though, and it’s that we were going through with our relationship despite the distance. People do grow, and here’s proof of it, the reason why we couldn’t make it happen before didn’t matter anymore once we proved to ourselves that we truly love each other; and that could work on it, that we will work on it.
We’ve finally caught up! We are now nearing our first week being in a long distance relationship. Granted we still have a long road to brave through but I think regardless of whether it would be us in the end or not (and after everything we’ve been through I really do hope so that it is us in the end); if you had read everything up to this point you saw how real and authentic our story was. There was no script or anything of the sort; just sheer will to love and love again. You can call it fate or destiny or coincidence, I call it being patient and learning how to forgive.
I would like to leave a message for those who are in the in-betweens right now, for those who are waiting for the right time. It will come, however unlikely it might seem right now, however hopeless and restless you feel, it will come, and when it does; grab it with everything you’ve got. Best of luck to you!
Wish us luck for the future! We’ll need it, thanks very much for reading our story and stay tuned for updates. I hope I get to write the next chapters of this story years and years from now, but bye for now!
SNAPS!
“Our first picture together.”
“First breakfast date turned into guitar strings shopping/assembly.”
“Surprise liver spread on pandesal! with matching note.”
“Hugs!”
“More surprise visits with a follow-up video call, apparently. x)”
“She really does like surprising me, she woke me up and bought me pandesal.”
“Nice meeting you Jedi! May the force be with you.”
“House dates were the best dates if I’m being honest.”
“Love at first sight with Mr. Mais, I kept saying she should just get him. She didn’t.”
“Bakud with some of her old office mates, was a very chill night.”
“I got first page on her journal. Lucky me.”
“Went to see her friends in Pampanga featuring a very impromptu sketch.”
“Lunch date with her former office mates at Daebak!”
“Mini III-Paggalang Reunion; plus Florenz and Mr. Mais finally got reunited.”
“We went looking for her Law Books and ate at Giligan’s for dinner…little did we know her parents cooked us Giniling because I kind of requested it; double dinner it is!”
“My grandma passed away and she squeezed in a little time to check up on me, I repaid it by ripping her shoe apart. Sorry.”
“After her trip to Manila and Pampanga, we ate at Joey’s and visited our old school; then we visited her long time bestfriend: Stiffany and their newly born baby.”
“Orange was the colour of the day apparently plus lunch date at Delico with her former office mates.”
“My grandma’s funeral, she was trying to do something about my unruly hair.”
“Overnight stay at Baguio City! was a highlight of my visit. We met my cousin Blu and his girlfriend Ashley then her couple friends Jervie and Odessa.”
“Went to Burnham Park the next day and got these matching henna tattoos. Florentein!”
“Met with our old friend Kell and attended Florenz’ Family Reunion.”
“My last visit at the Legaspi Ancestral Home…for now of course, I’ll be back!”
“Our last breakfast date. I’m not crying, you’re crying.”
“I’m gonna miss you Cody…oh and you as well.” – Her
“Me reporting in on my travel back to the UK. I’ll miss you baby, I’ll be back.”
–TO BE CONTINUED–
Krisper 