Tayo Sa Huling Buwan Ng Taon: A Film Review

I want to premise this review with a disclaimer that although I’m calling it a “review”, it should be known that I am completely out of my depth here in trying to dissect or provide a professional commentary about the intricacies of film making and story telling. I am but an avid fan of films in general and a lover of stories; that being said, after watching Tayo Sa Huling Buwan Ng Taon, I realised that I have a lot of things to say regarding the film as a piece of art form and the contents within it, hence why we are here. I hope you find some wisdom or at the very least get a good read about the opinions of a completely random dude who just merely appreciates the simple things in life. Right! now that’s all out of the way, let’s dive right into it! Oh and **spoilers** ahead!

The story starts with two couples living seemingly separate lives from one another. The first couple is Sam and Anna, they are both teachers and are working together in the same school, we first see them as a fairly normal couple in a romantic relationship. This is paralleled by the other couple Frank and Isa, a pilot and a business woman, who are pretty much in the same boat regarding their relationship, or at least that’s what it seems to be.

I got to be honest, the story of the film is nothing completely out of the ordinary, it’s a simple story about relationships and how one relationship affects the other ones you have in your life. What I found very special in it is the way the story was told, for me, the best type of story telling (especially in films) is the story that unfolds by itself. By the simple gestures of the characters, how they interact with the world around them and with other characters. I was so surprised by how natural the conversations flowed and how nostalgic the moods are, I remember being enthralled by the music and the scenery because it was what the Philippines felt like to me in reality. If a film invites you to engage with it just by its basic elements, that’s how you know it’s something worth paying attention to.

Moving on further into the story, it was revealed that these seemingly random people are connected after all. Sam and Isa actually had a previous relationship five years prior to their current ones. And by chance, as films tend to create, they meet again. Again, how natural this scene was astonished me. The awkwardness of meeting someone from your past, the unsure quality of your voice and the over all merry-go-round of emotions one must feel when someone who used to be everything to you suddenly pops out of nowhere and catches you by surprise. It made me think of how I would have reacted to this a year ago, when all this magic of being in love and being hurt was all but a distant reality. I was a hopeless romantic you see, until I got into a serious relationship myself earlier this year, I thought of scenes like these and theorised how they must have felt like in reality. I can honestly say now that I have a better perspective and understanding of what love actually is since then, but this scene definitely brought me back, and yea, I think it’s a pretty accurate depiction of how I (or anyone else for that matter) would have reacted given the situation. I just love how raw and natural the scenes are acted out, unlike most films (unfortunately in the Philippines) that come off as very artificial and clunky.

The conflict of the story happens after Sam and Isa met incidentally again, after their first brief encounter they were invited to a mutual friend’s anniversary party, to which they both came with their respective partners to. The night went on seemingly well, too well, if I might add. For once it felt unnatural that there wasn’t any kind of awkwardness between the four characters at all; knowing that two of them had a history together. If that’s just my pettiness coming out or a creative “we’re-in-a-movie” decision, I’ll never know I guess, but I just thought it would have made sense if at least a tiny bit of tension were shown between these characters but voila, none what so ever. Not until they were on their ride home at least, you can just tell by the poignant score in the background and the sombre mood the scene gave off that something was off. The story continued into another chance meeting of Sam and Isa, they spent the day together seemingly as good friends who just wanted to catch up on each other but soon one of them broke down and asked the ultimate question that was on everyone’s mind (or in this case, my mind) “What happened to us?” Now I got to admit that I saw this from a mile a way and this scene was probably one of the few scenes I thought felt misplaced and unnatural as they shouted at each other in the middle of a busy street but oh well, maybe that’s how it really is in real life. A little bit more information was revealed at how their relationship ended though I would have wanted to know more; but from what was said, I guess it was just enough and was left for open interpretation. I’m just glad it didn’t go to the typical, “I guess we’re gonna cheat now route” and instead ended in how I felt was the most logical way to end things like that, you walk away from each other and call it a day.

I guess one of the major themes of this film is about closure too, I could tell by Sam’s words that he was still haunted by their previous relationship, same goes for Isa in her actions. Now the question of whether they should have entered into a new relationship if they were aware that they haven’t completely moved on from each other yet was right or wrong, is up for debate, but for me personally…I thought it was leaning towards the wrong end. You can love someone else while moving on from someone, I get that it happens, but at that point you shouldn’t let your emotions get to the best of you. Think of the other person, think of yourself. It’s just unnecessary torture, for you and for the person you’re promising to love. But hey, feelings get buried and suppressed, who would have known that they would meet again right? Maybe Sam could have moved on while still maintaining a healthy relationship with Anna and everything would have worked out fine in the end, but then again, what if it doesn’t? I just think that you should be able to enter a relationship without any attachments from previous commitments. What do you think?

Revelations happened afterwards, I forgot to mention about the subplot of Frank and Isa planning to migrate to America and start a new life before everything happened. It wasn’t going to happen anymore now that it backfired into the recent events that Frank had caught up on; eventually leading him to self-reflect and decide that he doesn’t want to move to America after all. Although nothing out of bounds happened, I could understand Frank’s perspective when he noticed something was different about Isa ever since she met Sam again and how that might have seeded some doubts into his mind. The same happened to Sam and Anna, she knew that there was something going on and that Sam has not been fully honest with her regarding his feelings towards Isa. Needless to say, as these things go, their relationships ended, maybe for different reasons or maybe for the same ones, the bottom line is: relationships are much more delicate than we think them to be. I understand that now, so much so than I could ever have hoped for when I wasn’t in one. Maybe that’s why this story struck me more than it should have.

I completely understood all four of the characters motivations, no one did anything wilfully wrong or ill-intent, they were all just in the journey of finding happiness and found the opposite. It makes you think of how ironic the concept of finding happiness truly is, at least on the surface; again this brings me back to my reflection on how I would have viewed these concepts a year ago when I had a very unrealistic view of the world. I used to think that happiness resided in things that we owned, that it’s out there and I just haven’t found my ‘thing’ yet. Only recently did I connect the dots and realised that happiness lies within us and that we are inherently it. If Sam had only worked on himself first and properly went through the harsh and difficult process of moving on, he would have went into a relationship with Anna knowing that no matter what happens, he wouldn’t budge. Had Frank been completely honest with Anna about his second thoughts about moving to America and how he felt like he’s losing himself, they could have found a common ground and maybe planned things out a bit better. Little things contribute to our decisions, unresolved issues and unanswered questions surely has their way of creeping back on to us when we least expect them to. I’m not an expert in relationships, I’m only learning these things as I go myself, mind you, but I think I can say that with enough confidence that I am leaving it on this “review” for the world to see.

Well there you have it, the film ends with how Sam and Anna first met, if it was a deliberate cliffhanger to get funds for a second film or an attempt to start over, (which is again, ironic, since time travelling isn’t really a feature of normal human beings) I thoroughly enjoyed this film. I can’t remember the last time I saw a Filipino film and got properly satisfied for how simplistic and natural the elements came together. The cinematography was top notch, story telling was organic and there were reflective themes that were brought up.

If you have anymore film suggestion that are in the same quality of this one, please do recommend them. I think the Philippines’ cinema industry desperately needs this type of quality to their films, more grounded and less superficial. More straight to the point rather than rehashes and poor attempts at “Hollywood” style films. I have always believed that there is a certain finesse and world class quality in Filipino art, and films like this give me hope that one day we’ll have our mark out there together with the greats, but for now let’s enjoy these rare golden nuggets of awesome story telling and support Filipino film-makers and artists alike!

P.S.

I didn’t realise Emman was in this film until I saw him in it, RIP brother. You will be missed.

Missing You

It’s like an ache in my heart that won’t go away; I guess that’s why it’s called ‘missing’, because it constantly yearns for you. Like a big chunk of my heart was carved out and it struggles to do its function. It never ceases to pulsate albeit haphazardly until I hear your voice, see your smile or hold your hands. Oh I’d love to do that last one right about now.

I wonder how some people do it, I wonder if they feel the same way I do when they ‘miss’ someone. It’s been a while, you see, and it’s such a strange feeling. I miss your warm embrace like a blanket in a stormy night and I miss the way you calm my mind just by being around. All the little things you do when we’re together; it made me think of how observant I could be when I really put my mind to it. How much detail I could store in my mind, about the way you carry yourself and the way you light up when you’re happy. Oh I miss you more now that I think about it.

I guess there’s not much to do from here but to wait until the time I don’t get to miss you anymore, the time when we’re always together and content with our lives. Even though it aches, it’s a good kind of ache and I am thankful for this feeling; because it makes me feel alive and hopeful that I am once more capable of caring this much towards someone.

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– Florentein with Mr. Mais

Florentein Part 4

Interlude

All this talk about destiny and red strings of fate had me thinking of how lucky I am to be able to write this story now. It could have gone bad, well I guess you could say until very recently it has gone very bad indeed but I am amazed how people can forgive and forget, how they can put aside all the pain and see how that love is still worth it in the end.

Chapter 6: For A Month

It’s funny how promises you make gradually lose their effect once you used them too many times; before I would always say “Yes, I’ll be going home this year.” I never did. So by the time I knew I was definitely going home, I didn’t tell anyone. I just didn’t think of bothering people anymore. I thought whoever was available I can meet; I didn’t have to expect anything from anyone and also I liked the idea of witnessing people’s genuine reactions when they do finally see me after 9 long years, did I mention that already?

In the 9 long years I was away, I had made a checklist of what I wanted to do when I finally get back home. Granted it has been reduced to a smaller list over the years as my life and people around me changed, still I managed to keep a few things like:

• Celebrate the Holy Mass at St. Nicholas Cathedral
• Eat at Joey’s
• Visit friends who are still in Cabanatuan City
• Meet Florenz’ parents (even if she’s not around, buy them food and introduce myself regardless if she’s in a relationship or not)
• Eat tinned foods like: Argentina Corned Beef, Century Tuna and Maling
• Relive old memories

It was the 24th of December 2019 when I finally arrived with my dad, just in time for Christmas. It was a very wholesome night with my family, we ate our Noche Buena and caught up with things and tried to bridge the years of gap in between ourselves. The next day I attended the Holy Mass at St. Nicholas Cathedral and felt very blessed to be able to do so, that’s one thing off my checklist so far and it’s only my first day back. Afterwards I called her, I’ve not spoken to her properly ever since our talk.

I wanted to know if she’s around town and if we could meet, because despite of what happened to us she was still a very good friend of mine. I was glad to find out that she was; I didn’t want to bother anyone too much just to meet me and so I felt relieved. We set up a meeting place and time. I was prepared to meet her in person, physically, I should have probably thought more emotionally.

When she finally arrived I didn’t know how to greet her, do I hug her? do I shake her hand? I think I did both. It was a very warm feeling to be able to meet her again, she looked like…well she looked beautiful still as I have always seen her. But I should say here now that at that exact moment, I had no expectations nor any intention of rekindling our old feelings for each other. To me it was just like meeting a very old friend I haven’t seen for so long; and it felt just like that. I was relieved I didn’t throw myself at her and started asking questions about what went wrong in the past, I was glad I was able to meet her as a friend. We walked around for a bit though there wasn’t much to see as it was already around 8pm, we decided to just go to their house and have some dinner; also she wanted me to help her with some paperwork. It sounded like a very chill night for me so I agreed and went on with the plan. I don’t think anyone could have planned that night any better for both of us.

We got to their house and I finally got to introduce myself to her parents, I didn’t have any food with me but still I considered it a tick for my checklist. We had dinner and we talked, very casually. We talked about what has happened in our lives, how it felt like being back home after so many years, how she was doing with her work and about anything and everything. It was nice to have finally caught up with things, I was glad we were able to have normal conversations like that again but as the night got deeper; the conversation also started to shift into deeper stuff. Stuff like ‘What happened to us?’, ‘Why didn’t we work out?’ or ‘What could we have done?’ and ultimately we came to the conclusion that there was just no way around the thousands of miles between us. Understandably so. I thought that was it, I thought we had resolved the issue and we were finally able to let it go once and for all, and for real this time. But as I was talking about some final remarks and a few things I wanted to put across from my perspective I started to feel this sinking feeling in my heart, it was like finding locked chests being pried open. Emotions that were locked up, forgotten willingly, suddenly had the slightest window to creep back out and consume me once more. I felt an overwhelming feeling of hatred and pain but above all else, love. I realised I never stopped loving her, I just consciously forced myself to stop feeling that away anymore. And as I looked at her once more, I felt longing like I’ve never felt before…she’s right there, the girl of my dreams, she’s actually right there in front of me. I tried my best to conceal these emotions, I was shaking, I didn’t know what to do and I was glad when she finally stood up and it was finally time to say goodbye. We hugged, awkward at first but I couldn’t help myself to squeeze a bit tighter and feel her that way, she felt it and she did the same. It was all perfect, after this hug I could finally let her go, I had finally confirmed that what we felt during those times we were apart was true and I was happy because of it. Then I let slip these words, for some reason I thought it was the right time to say it and I did: “I still love you.”

I didn’t expect an answer. I never did, but it was still true and that was the end of it I thought.  We said our goodbyes after that, there was a sense of finality for me and I left with a heavy heart, not because I was sad but because it was full. I thought it was alright it got full, I am very good at draining my heart after all, I’ll miss her for a few days again just like old times but at least it’s the final stretch of this long-winded love story.

It didn’t end there.

I woke up the next day feeling relieved, I can finally start my unplanned vacation having sorted everything out of the way. She’s crossed my mind a few times as I went on with my day, I thought of how awesome it would have been if we had more moments like the ones from the other night but at that point I knew I was reaching for something that’s just not gonna happen. So I just continued retracing and reliving memories around the city. I got home that day and she called; an unexpected call that might have just tugged on whatever string there still was in between us two.

People like to talk about what ifs when they’re apart and when they can’t do anything about the situation anymore. It makes the moment much more intense that way because there’s a sense of finality to it; but when you talk about what ifs and you can actually do something about it, that’s when you find out if whatever you’re theorising is just a theory or something that could really happen.

We talked about how maybe we can try, since I’m right there and when I would be back again; we had no idea. We talked about how maybe even just for a month we should see what could have happened all along and what would happen still. Just to test if whatever we felt was true, just to give us a final chance. If it didn’t work out then there’ll be no more regrets going forward, if it didn’t work out. At first it was just that, a trial period; a crazy idea about two people testing their feelings and fate but as it turned out: we really did love each other, more so than we thought then, especially then because we were finally together. I don’t think we could have ever prepared for how much affection for each other we’ve built up over the years, you tend to take it for granted when you’re miles and miles apart you see; but when we agreed on this “Boyfriend for a month” deal, we found out just how much it all was, and how much it still grows, to this day. So much so that we decided to make it official just a few days of being together, and even then I think we still thought of it as a trial period; we just decided to take off the alarm on our calendars of when to cancel the membership.

January 1st 2020, I got on my phone and explained to her mum about our situation. I wanted it to be brief but as you could probably tell, I have a tendency to be very wordy. I told her mum that I couldn’t let the chance go by, that if I did let it go I would regret it for the rest of my life; and I did feel that way. I told myself countless of times, as I have always had a broken heart prior to all of this (or a functioning one at the best) that I would never bother with anyone else anymore because it was just not worth it. But when I put that promise against Florenz, it fell apart so easily I wondered if I even had a shed of self-respect to begin with. I want you to understand that she meant that much to me, that I was ready to risk getting hurt again just to be able to love her again, to show her that it’s possible for us to make it happen. I told her mum that I really do love her and that it would be nice if could get their blessing. I’ve never done that before, ever, but I knew that if we were to start a relationship, that we should start things right. I was relieved to get her mum’s approval saying that she was fine with it and that I should take care of her daughter, that she’s giving us their blessing and that she’s wishing us the best of luck in this deal that we have going on. Just like that I was Florenz’ boyfriend, so many years in the making and it finally happened.

Now what to do? How to feel? Where to go? These were all the questions that ran through my head after coming to my senses and realising that after 7 years of not being in a relationship, I was actually in one.

We thoroughly enjoyed our time together, when we went on  dates we had our best time talking. Just talking. About the future and about the things that were going on at the time, about how much we still wanted to do with our lives and how we should work things out if we decided to go through with our relationship after I’ve gone back. I felt loved and cared for, truly. There was a time in my life that I thought I’d never feel that way again but there she was, beside me, doing her sweet smile, talking to me with her soothing voice and then of course there’s the occasional glare or rolling of the eyes whenever I oversold a joke or just because she felt like doing so, and I loved her for it. 

She liked to surprise me, I mentioned that I was craving for liver spread on pandesal one time and she went out of her way to make me some and deliver it personally. She woke me up one day and told me that she just wanted to see me quickly, needless to say my heart melted through the floor. It was the kind of relationship I never really experienced before, it was like we just knew how to play off each other and that the best thing we looked forward to was just being together. No fancy restaurants or overly priced food (though we did like eating out), we went on “dates” that were actually just us walking around and enjoying each other’s company. Her mum and dad would cook us food and we were happy spending the day just like that, I fell in love with her again and I fell in love with her family. They were very hospitable and welcoming despite the fact that they’ve only known me for less than a week, and I loved them for it.

There was one time we went to Baguio City because we’ve always talked about going even before, we struggled to find time to fit it in her schedule but we did manage to go. It was just magical to me, spending time with the girl of my dreams in the city high up in the mountains. I’ve secretly thought of doing my proposal to her then but decided against it as it would probably ruin the whole thing, plus it was very impractical for both our parts. I told her about this secret and we thought it would be funny if we gave our relatives some hints that such thing did happen, luckily no one believed us. But nevertheless it was probably one of the highlights of my visit, I just loved being around her, we walked through the night market together and I was just in bliss the whole time. There were some parts of me that couldn’t believe I was with her still to be honest, and she just somehow looked more and more beautiful each time I see her. How does that happen?

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By that time it was almost time to go back, our 20 or so odd days blew past us so quickly. I couldn’t help but cry when it was time to leave, guess that’s a proof I’m still human. There was one thing that was very clear by this point though, and it’s that we were going through with our relationship despite the distance. People do grow, and here’s proof of it, the reason why we couldn’t make it happen before didn’t matter anymore once we proved to ourselves that we truly love each other; and that could work on it, that we will work on it.

We’ve finally caught up! We are now nearing our first week being in a long distance relationship. Granted we still have a long road to brave through but I think regardless of whether it would be us in the end or not (and after everything we’ve been through I really do hope so that it is us in the end); if you had read everything up to this point you saw how real and authentic our story was. There was no script or anything of the sort; just sheer will to love and love again. You can call it fate or destiny or coincidence, I call it being patient and learning how to forgive.

I would like to leave a message for those who are in the in-betweens right now, for those who are waiting for the right time. It will come, however unlikely it might seem right now, however hopeless and restless you feel, it will come, and when it does; grab it with everything you’ve got. Best of luck to you!

Wish us luck for the future! We’ll need it, thanks very much for reading our story and stay tuned for updates. I hope I get to write the next chapters of this story years and years from now, but bye for now!

SNAPS!

“Our first picture together.”

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“First breakfast date turned into guitar strings shopping/assembly.”

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“Surprise liver spread on pandesal! with matching note.”

“Hugs!”

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“More surprise visits with a follow-up video call, apparently. x)”

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“She really does like surprising me, she woke me up and bought me pandesal.”

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“Nice meeting you Jedi! May the force be with you.”

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“House dates were the best dates if I’m being honest.”

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“Love at first sight with Mr. Mais, I kept saying she should just get him. She didn’t.”

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“Bakud with some of her old office mates, was a very chill night.”

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“I got first page on her journal. Lucky me.” 

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“Went to see her friends in Pampanga featuring a very impromptu sketch.”

“Lunch date with her former office mates at Daebak!”

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“Mini III-Paggalang Reunion; plus Florenz and Mr. Mais finally got reunited.”

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“We went looking for her Law Books and ate at Giligan’s for dinner…little did we know her parents cooked us Giniling because I kind of requested it; double dinner it is!” 

“My grandma passed away and she squeezed in a little time to check up on me, I repaid it by ripping her shoe apart. Sorry.”

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“After her trip to Manila and Pampanga, we ate at Joey’s and visited our old school; then we visited her long time bestfriend: Stiffany and their newly born baby.”

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“Orange was the colour of the day apparently plus lunch date at Delico with her former office mates.”

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“My grandma’s funeral, she was trying to do something about my unruly hair.”

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“Overnight stay at Baguio City! was a highlight of my visit. We met my cousin Blu and his girlfriend Ashley then her couple friends Jervie and Odessa.”

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“Went to Burnham Park the next day and got these matching henna tattoos. Florentein!”

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“Met with our old friend Kell and attended Florenz’ Family Reunion.”

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“My last visit at the Legaspi Ancestral Home…for now of course, I’ll be back!”

“Our last breakfast date. I’m not crying, you’re crying.”

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“I’m gonna miss you Cody…oh and you as well.” – Her

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“Me reporting in on my travel back to the UK. I’ll miss you baby, I’ll be back.”

–TO BE CONTINUED–

Florentein Part 3

Chapter 5: Broken String

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 – Drawings of Florentein (a character based off Florenz) from 2015 – 2019 

“You are my angel and I’m just a man, sometimes I make mistakes so please hear me if you can, and before you leave me please understand, I would never do, anything to hurt you…’cus you’re mine and I’m yours.”
– Angel [Original] – Fer (2014)

“Will you still belong to me? If the stars above would let us, eventhough you never were…would the universe give us another chance? Oh I should have known, that you were actually meant for me.”

– Florentein [Original] – Fer (2016)

“Okay na rin sa akin kung hindi ka para sa’kin, ang akin lang naman sana’y maramdaman na lahat ng sasabihin at sinabi ko sa iyo’y totoo…

Oh how can you miss someone so badly? When you’re a million miles apart, it must be true…that I’ve fallen so helplessly for you.”

– Okay Na Rin Sa Akin [Original] – Fer (2018)

– Songs I wrote for Florenz from 2014 – 2018

Over the years we’ve built up a kind of relationship that could only go so far. I think it is safe to say that we were scared of the sheer amount of distance in between us; the inexperience we have from each other and the lack of something very important, a foundation. Yes, we felt very close and affectionate in theory but we never really had a proper foundation to build things with. And so anything we braved within these years crumbled at the face of true challenge; yet we pushed through until we found some clarity, at one point we felt the closest to having a relationship as we could have…or at least we thought we did.

2017, We found ourselves in a routine. Regular chats and calls, deeper conversations about the future and what we wanted in life and bolder words of affection like “I miss you.” which was probably my favourite thing to say back then and the occasional “I love you.” from me, of course. She never said it back to me, now that I think about it, and understandably so. But I knew that she did, I felt it and I wouldn’t have stuck around if I didn’t think there was something behind her smiles when I said something cheesy (to her…it was romantic for me). I wouldn’t have pursued had I thought there was no meaning behind her sweet replies after I bombarded her with messages telling her how much I felt for her. There was definitely something, but it was just not enough.

I understand there might be some debate in there; whether or not you can truly fall for someone from across the world, and I did fall for her. You can’t choose who you like; (well, you can but) my point is that once you start to feel a certain way about someone, there’s this snowball effect that is very hard to stop once it gets going. I can’t pin point when or what it was that made me fall for her: was it her smile? her laugh? her comforting words? soothing voice? all of it? who knows? All I can say is that, I wanted to be the guy she told her problems to, I wanted to be there when the world didn’t seem like a very fun place to be around for her. I wanted to be the one she smiles at when she’s happy. I wanted to be the one to love her, truly.

The routine we had lasted for a few months, then we started to realise the deeper and more serious we felt for each other; the more terrified we both got about the repercussions of it all. I for one came from a very unfortunate long distance relationship years prior, and so to start anew would mean to risk going through the same hardships, but I wanted to try it if we can because I thought it was worth it. I was ready. She wasn’t.

It came to a point where we decided to let go of it. She told me that she did love me but it was just not enough to risk getting hurt, being away so far, you see, is a major disadvantage; especially when you have no foundation to fall back on nor an assurance of fixing the problem. So I conceded, I lost. I lost to the timing and the place and the circumstance, so much for red strings of fate. It was very painful to lose because of things you have no control over, or at least in my case, things I had no control over yet.

I decided to let her go, once and for all. I was tired of the seemingly never ending cycle of us trying things out and ultimately failing, over and over again and I knew she was too. We parted ways, with heavy hearts and broken dreams. We wished each other the best of luck in our respective futures and went on our separate ways. It was peaceful and calm (break up if you will) and I was thankful for it. There was no hatred, only understanding.

A few months later I started to move on from things, I began to feel happy again and enjoy the little things once more despite the heartbreak I just went through. My phone rang in the middle of the day, no one ever calls me, and so it was a very peculiar call I thought. That was my first warning. I answered it and heard her sweet voice, how I missed it…the tone of her “Hello!” and the cute giggle afterwards. I smiled, it’s always a surprise coming across things you didn’t know how much you missed until it’s right there. I greeted her back, we did a small catch up talk and she finally said:

“I just want to let you know that I met someone, I have a boyfriend now, and I thought you should know.”

these might not be the exact words she said but each word was like a dagger to my heart (as cliche as that sounds, it really did). No warning shots, no nothing. I crumbled there and then, the smile I was wearing withered into non-existence. The comfort I had for ‘finally moving on’ disappeared without a trace. I was lost again, into the limbo of the void that is an empty heart. I felt it shatter, a loud CLANG! and then it’s gone. I felt nothing after that, or chose to feel nothing. I tried to pull myself together and muster enough courage to tell her that:

“It’s okay, I’ll be fine. As long you’re sure he’s the right person, I’ll be okay, but please promise me that he’s the one because…because you chose him instead of me so he MUST be a lot better.”

These words were intended to make me look like the bigger man, of course I wasn’t ‘OK’, of course I would not be ‘FINE’…AT ALL for a very long time; but I wanted her to be happy too, despite having my heart broken like that, despite feeling cheated, despite everything being so sudden and uncalled for. It was my fault we didn’t work out after all and to ask her to wait for me until I could do something about it was just utterly unfair. So I told her that we shouldn’t talk anymore and hung up. That was the end of that story for me, I thought, that was the end of any story for me.

I found consolation in the fact that she did find someone else, at least she would be happy while I moved on, and find the strength to be the same way. I was mad, I was hurt but never towards her. I was mad at myself for being so far away, I was mad because I didn’t even think to fight because I already lost to distance. I found peace in the fact that she’ll be happy at the very least. I found peace that she found someone obviously better than me.

2018

• 

• 

As any sane person would do after a massive heartbreak, you try to pick up the pieces together as much as you can. You put it together hoping it would feel the same way, that you’d be alright afterwards but you never really do. As time went by for me, I struggled my way out of it, everyday I wanted to just erase everything that I was feeling towards anything. I strived to be indifferent. That’s when other people come into your life to try and fix you for some reason and not when you’re actually ready to love. At some point someone did come and she tried to heal my heart; to show me that I was still worth it. I was longing for that kind of love, I wanted to reciprocate hers but as I realised this, I also found out that I was still madly in love with Florenz. That I couldn’t truly love the other person while I was still moving on from her,  and as it would surprise me much much later on, I never really moved on from her.

2019

My phone rang again. No one ever calls me even in 2019. I answered and it was her, her voice was still the same, she seemed fine and so I thought it was the day she invites me to her wedding. Now, for context, 2019 was a very bad year for me, it’s probably on par with 2017 but at this point of the story, the bad part is still yet to happen.

I said ‘hello’ with the most normal voice I could conjure. She said hi back and we started catching up. I was waiting for the real reason she called, I was waiting for her to give me the dates and the place, the gender of the baby or when she is due, I was waiting for anything other than what she said.

“He cheated on me. We broke up.”

Now what do you say to that? What is a sane person supposed to respond after hearing those words? I laughed. I realise now that I am a very terrible person and that I should probably be shot down but I laughed not because she was badly hurt. I laughed because the irony of it all was so diabolically twisted and evil, I didn’t know how else to react. I tried to contain myself and console her, give her words of comfort that I knew would never get into her because seriously, what words can I say to her to ease her pain? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I just want to point this out, he cheated on her. We’re talking about the girl of my dreams, the girl I would like to marry some day, the girl I let go of because I wanted her to be happy; and now I hear this news about the guy she chose cheating on her and leaving her for somebody else? What an actual dumb fuck (I apologise for swearing but there’s no other way around it.)

After this conversation, Florenz and I never talked again. I guess we both realised there really was nothing to talk about anymore after all that. We went on our separate ways and healed on our own. I can’t say much about how her 2019 went after that call but as for me…let’s just say I’m glad I was able to come out unscathed and sane.

“Maiintindihan ko kung siya ang pipiliin mo, malayo sa tingin at sa saan at sa sa’yo. At kung nandyan ako ano nga bang maipagyayabang? Ang tanging handog ko sa iyo’y aking pagmamahal.”

– Florens [Original] – Fer

Florentein Part 2

Interlude

Are you familiar with the red threads of fate? Apparently in some legends, the gods tie an invisible red string connecting two people that are ultimately bound to meet each other regardless of time, space and circumstance.

Now, I wouldn’t say I believed this all along nor am I entirely sure if I do believe it but there was a time I was convinced everything that happened in my life was just one bad random roulette; and now that I am writing this story, is it weird to acknowledge that I can kind of see a red line slowly forming to tie things together? Guess we’ll have to see.

Chapter 4: Airports, Skype Calls and Broken Promises

I left the Philippines after I graduated high school, needless to say it was a very difficult experience for me. I was already too old to get used to the way things were, I left my friends and my way of life back home and felt lost and alone. Mostly alone.

A few years in I did find consolation in my drawings and songs, I used them to fix and fortify my unstable emotional state and somehow got by that way. I remember browsing through Facebook and I came across a familiar face, so I picked up a pencil and sketched away. It turned out really well, I thought, for a 17 year old me, so I uploaded it and tagged her: Florenz.

Apparently I left her braces out, which I was so convinced at the time didn’t exist anymore so we got into a discussion of who was right and wrong, I was wrong; and just like that we had our first interaction since our high school days, since I left the country.

She went on to study English and Literature in CLSU and I studied Arts and Design in Kingston Upon Thames, to some that’s the end of the story. How can two people with no romantic history separated by thousands of miles ever share a story about red strings of fate? Had you asked me that back then, I wouldn’t have even known how to answer but as it turns out; life is just full of surprises.

2013, I was well in the waves of thing. I was living alone in a foreign country while studying Graphic Design; I quite enjoyed the liberty and freedom but of course one can’t help but notice how alone one is if, well…if one is alone.

Boredom: the ultimate nemesis of people who live alone, I often found myself browsing the internet and clinging on to social media just to alleviate the emptiness I felt. While going through my daily scroll of “What’s happening with the lives of other people”, I stumbled across heaps of pictures of this gorgeous girl, whose smile you just can’t resist and a flair you just can’t ignore. Judging by the sheer amount of photos I browsed through, it was evident how active and alive her life was and how happy she seemed to be. I was glad to experience that kind of happiness through her, she reminded me of how I missed home and how I would’ve wanted to go to college back there. She reminded me of things I would have done had I stayed, how life could have been so much different.

Naturally I sent her a message, just to let her know I existed still. I thought I could have more of the happiness she radiated, even if by small amounts. We talked, neutrally at first, we caught up with things and how we knew each other from before, how I made her cry in high school because we were punching each other for some reason, how I drew her a couple of years before and how our lives weren’t as jolly and perfect as we thought they would be. It was the right decision to reach out regardless of the outcome of this story. I found a friend in her whom I could really talk to, surprisingly, given the fact that we barely had any proper conversation prior. I was glad I finally found a friend in Florenz then.

As conversations switched topics and swayed in moods, we found ourselves talking about our crushes in grade school…on Skype, oh man, remember Skype? Anyway, I told her about my crush who cried when I kissed a girl; she then corrected me and said that she was in fact the girl whom I kissed on the forehead back then. We laughed it out and thought of how crazy the whole thing was. From then on the topic changed into previous relationships and love stories and confessions.

We confessed about the same time, it was quite fuzzy who said what first but I remember telling her that I wanted to court her back in high school, and how it was so unfortunate she had a boyfriend back then because I thought she would’ve been the ideal girl for me. She countered this by saying that she had a crush on me way back when we were in the fifth grade, and how I was so frustratingly oblivious of it.

That’s the how and the when of our story. That’s when I started to see a glimpse of the big picture and feel the tug of a thread on my finger, and while it wasn’t a perfectly smooth sailing boat ride, the ship that was Florentein started it’s journey from then on.

We would go on like that for a couple more years, me constantly promising I would go home that year which inevitably wouldn’t happen because, well.. I was naive to say the least. We built up a kind of relationship that was just above friendship, we talked about our woes and hardships but we also talked about how it would’ve felt like if we were together. How it would have felt like to be loved by each other.

– to be continued –

 

 

Florentein

Prologue

It has been a while since I wrote something on this page; it wouldn’t hurt to say that life has not been very eventful for me until very recently and so I’d like to take the opportunity to ride this momentum while it’s fresh and write about a story, that again until very recently, was fading for me.

You can call it fate or destiny, coincidence or chance but when things start to align in the most peculiar way, the most unexpected things begin to happen; that one can’t help but wonder if there really is a pre-made plan for each and everyone of us. My thoughts on it? Who cares, you take what you get from life and be happy with it; how else would you enjoy these rare times? By looking back at it and saying “oh I wish I could’ve done more”? nah, that’s a terrible way to live if you ask me.

The story starts, well…from the beginning. When life was as simple as going to school, eating packed lunches and snacks and worrying about projects you somehow finish in the end anyway. Times when you meet other kids and see them as just that, other kids you play with, get in fights and drama with and in some rare times, kids that become a bit more than just kids.

Chapter 1: St. Vincent De Paul

I was in third grade when I first saw her, come to think of it, this chapter’s not gonna be that long if I’m being honest; because I only knew her then as a classmate. Nothing special, no love at first sight non-sense and no sparks; back then to me she just looked like any other kid, a girl in my class who wore glasses and flowery socks, had we ever talked back then I wouldn’t remember.

Her name got stuck with me if anything, Florenz, only time would tell what that name actually means for me but it is safe to say that nine year old me was oblivious to the fact who this girl was in my class.

 

 

Chapter 2: St. Stephen

Fifth grade, I was one of them kids who started having crushes very early on, I was obsessed with this girl in my class and I wrote her letters and poems. She had a bestfriend, and it was the girl from before, Florenz.

Still oblivious, I tried my best for my crush to notice me, I even sang songs in front of the class just to show off and lend her a hint..basically made a fool of myself, wrote her more letters and I guess it somehow worked in the end.

For context, at one point I got into a bet, you know how kids are, they like to bet on stuff; Truth or Dare, spin the bottle, punch the wall and sit on the teacher’s table, games that put your life at risk at the hands of your classroom adviser; I was dared, for some reason, to kiss someone on the forehead. As the dumb kid that I was, I of course took to the first girl I found and kissed her on the forehead, and as you might have guessed; it was Florenz. I knew that my letters worked and all my efforts appreciated because my crush cried after that, if it was out of jealousy or just the sheer realisation of how stupid I was is probably debatable.

My point is that there is a constant variable in these little stories I’m writing down, and it would be years before I connect the dots together. I just realised that you don’t really see the big picture until you find the right piece to connect things with, and back then the piece was right there before my eyes but I was too oblivious to know, I was unaware of who this seemingly random girl would be in my life. I’m glad I was though; you see, life is exciting that way because of these things: the twists and the turns and the thrills.

 

 

Chapter 3: Paggalang

Time jump for a few years and we’re looking at third year high school me, I was freshly out of the seminary and took to the neighbouring school to continue my studies. Everything was new to me back then, life was drastically different coming from an exclusive school and so I did my best to fit in. I wasn’t completely lost, in fact most of the students were familiar to me.

I walked into my classroom on the first day, late, because that’s just how I was apparently. I looked around and saw kids I remember from grade school, but that was the extent of my attention span then. I was more worried that the teacher was gonna scold me for being late, she did. A few days in I started to mingle with the other students, I fitted in very well, if I do say so myself for a transferee student. I even became the class president for some very weird reason but that’s not too important right now. Seating plans were a thing back then and I was assigned to sit next to this very pretty girl who wore a bib around her wrist like a bracelet. It was Florenz.

 

 

It was like seeing a familiar face through another lens, she was very much still the Florenz I knew (of) back then but just much more attractive now. I never looked at her that way before and so for me it was a weird encounter. I tried my best to be cool and calm, I tried to be friendly and funny because I knew I started to like her then, not just because she was this beautiful girl all of a sudden but because she was gentle and kind and smart, all three things I didn’t even take time to notice before. Although I did make her cry at one point which was probably a very wrong thing to do when trying to impress a girl (a very convoluted story for another time).

 

I wasn’t an expert in relationships at the age of 15 and of course at that very young age, boys court girls because they’re attracted to them, and I was indeed very attracted to her. I wanted to court her, I wanted to be someone special in her life.  But life has a funny way of rubbing it in sometimes. I was back on my mission to impress her and maybe lay the foundations of how I would “win her heart” and as I jokingly put my hand on top of hers I got yelled at by someone.
“Stop doing that!” one of my classmates cried.
“Why?” I asked, visibly sweating.
“Did you not know she has a boyfriend?” she answered.
“Oh.” was all I could muster, I mean what can you say after that? Nothing. I stopped, it felt like a door closed in on my face. I felt sad of course, but it didn’t break my heart, I just thought I was too late and it happens. So I moved on and went on with my life; I had very little interaction with her from then on, in fact I rarely spoke to her for the whole duration of our high school days.

Big picture. Piece. It was all there in front of me, maybe I should add to my theory that even if you find the piece to connect the dots, it’s still useless unless you realise the hows and the whens. Timing is key to these kinds of things I think, and a lot of patience…and luck. I got two of these things, and I can honestly tell you now that luck isn’t one of them, well atleast for a very…very long time, otherwise there won’t be a story to write after all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Project: Destiny

Chapter 1: Wallet. Salamin. Headphones.

Wallet. Salamin. Headphones. Wallet, salamin at headphones. ‘Wag mong kalilimutan ang salamin dahil wala kang makikita sa sinehan kundi malalabong oblong at tatsulok. Inuulit ulit na inuusal ni Kym sa isipan niya habang naghihintay ng bus. Sa hindi maipaliwanag na dahilan, sumulpot na parang isang kabute ang sasakyan na kanyang inaabangan sa may bus stop sa harapan ng bahay nila. Kaya naman bigla bigla rin ang pagttransform niya sa isang pupungay pungay na kagigising sa isang natarantang isda.
“Pa! May cash po ba kayo? Andyan na po ‘yun bus!” Sigaw niya sa tatay na kagigising rin.
“San ka ba pupunta?”
“Sa town lang po.”
“Eto anak! Dalian mo!” Sigaw ng nanay niya na naalimpungatan sa gulo ng anak na kulang nalang e lumipad sa pagmamadali.
“Tenkyu ma! Pa, alis na po ako!”
“Ingat ka!” At tuluyang nawala sa pinto ang binatilyong mukhang si Son Goku sa hindi pa nasusuklay na buhok.
Bihirang lumabas si Kym, kahit siya nga mismo ay nagtataka kung bakit siya umalis ng bahay. Kumatok siya sa pintuan ng papaalis nang bus, tinitigan siya ng nagtatakang bus driver, kung dahil ba ‘to sa biglaan niyang pagsulpot o sa kanyang magarang buhok ay hindi na rin niya inalam. Pumasok siya at nagbayad, maraming sakay ang minsan lang sa isang araw kung dumating na bus. Naupo at huminga ng malalim.
Wallet. Salamin. Headphones. Wa-Salamin…Salamin! Oh my gad! Kinapa niya na parang manyak na airport security guard ang bawat sulok ng kanyang jacket, walang salamin na natagpuan. Gusto niyang sumigaw ngunit ayaw na niyang mang abala pa.
“Aisshhhhh!” Bulong niya sa sarili.
Nagmunimuni siya sa kapalpakan na kanyang nagawa, pinuri ang sarili habang sumisimangot, naghahanap ng magandang banda sa nangyari…wala.
Huminto ang bus. Matapos ang dalawang oras na byahe ay nasa sibilisasyon na ang main character na pilit ginigising ang sarili para bumaba sa istasyon ng bus.
“Thank you!” Pasalamat niya sa driver na tila nagtataka pa rin kung anong nangyari sa buhok ng binata.
Automatic ang pagfocus ng paningin ni Kym, malinaw sa malapit, malabo sa malayo. Parang camera effect lang sa instagram, nakakainis. Hindi siya mapakali kaya naisipan niyang magpagawa ng bago, nanalangin na sana’y hindi ganoon katagal ang proseso at nang umabot siya sa booking ng pelikulang panunuorin.
Pumasok siya sa isang shop, ngiti ang mga sumalubong, ngiting may halong pagkayamot dahil may isa nanamang customer sa busybusihang establisasyon. Namili ng frames si Kym, pinakamura pero sa isipan niya e napakamahal nito dahilan nang ipang sisine lang naman niya.
Sukat, iling at balik. Sukat, iling at balik. Sukat, balik at iling. Sukat.
“Looks good!” Biglang may boses na bumasag sa pagkabusisi ni Kym.
“Pinoy ka?” Sabi ulit ng boses. Lumingon si Kym kung saan ito nanggagaling. Ngiti, may nakangiti sa kanyang babae, ‘yung tipo ng ngiti na nawawala ‘yung mata. ‘Yung tipo na may dimple sa pisngi na parang pusa. ‘Yung tipo na hindi lang basta ngiti.
“Yeap! Ikaw?” Kung bakit niya tinanong kung pinoy din ang kausap ay ayoko na ring ipaliwanag. Napakamot siya ng ulo pero pinilit niyang itago.
“Hahaha! Sa tingin mo?” May tawa na ‘yung ngiti, hindi na malaman ni Kym kung anong ginawa niya para masaksihan ang mga nangyayari.
“Klaudia, pero you can call me Klauds.” Iniabot ni Klauds ang kamay, sabay ngiti pa ulit.
“Kym! Sorry haha nabigla lang.” Pasigaw man o pabulong, mapagkakasunduang pumiyok ang namamawis nang si Kym habang sinalo ang kamay ng dalaga.
“Bagay sa’yo ‘yan, kulay red.”
“Really? Should I get it?”
“Go!” Ngiti ulit.
“Namimili ka rin ba?” Tanong ni Kym na kahit papaano ay maayus ayos na ang itsura.
“Yup! I’m done actually, naghihintay nalang. Naiwala ko kasi ‘yung sa’kin sa taxi, and I’m technically blind pag wala akong salamin.”
“Ako rin!” Si Kym naman ang ngumiti. Napansin ito ni Klauds, tumingin sa sulok at ngumiti ng patago sabay balik sa mga mata ni Kym.
“Klaudia Angeles?” Singit ng isang empliyada habang sumesenyas. “Your spectacles are ready for you.”
“Alright! Coming.” Sagot ng dalaga. “Oh pano ba ‘yan, get that one okay? It suits you. Nice meeting ya, Kym.”
“Will do, and nice meeting you too.” Nagngitian silang dalawa nang walang balak kumalas sa tingin ng bawat isa hanggang sa tuluyan nang nawala sa mga cubicles si Klaudia. Tadhana? tanong ni Kym sa sarili. Kinawayan niya ang isa sa mga empliyado at itinuro ang salamin na napagkasunduan, dumaan sa proseso at makalipas ang isang oras ay handa na ang lahat. Sinuot ni Kym ang salamin, maliwanag ang lahat, HD na ang mga letrang kanina lang ay hindi maintindihan. Baon niya sa isipan ang mga naganap, may nagdedebate sa loob at ang tema ay: Totoo ba ang tadhana? Malinaw na ang lahat, inisip niya na nagkataon lang ang lahat, nagkataon lang na nagkita sila at maaring mangyari ‘yun sa kung sino man. Ngunit bakit ganon ang nararamdaman niya? umaasang mali ang inisip niya at magkikita pa silang muli, na may karugtong pa. Naglakad siya patungo sa bus stop, nagbayad ng ticket at umupong nakatingala sa langit. At kung gaano luminaw ang kanyang paningin, ganon naman lumabo ang kanyang isipan sa mga nangyaring animo’y sa teleserye lang nangyayari.

The Krisper Konundrum

Chapter 1: To the girl I’d never win over.

It’s fine, I get it. I never was a contender and I never will be. It’s my personal choice to act upon what I feel in spite everything that’s happening, so that’s on me. Let me tell you a secret though, I would’ve given you everything. It’s in my nature to be sweet and romantic, but what good does that do when I’ve got no one to be sweet and romantic with, right? It could have been you, every bit of that side of me, it could’ve been yours. Oh, forgive me if it sounds like I’m bragging about what you’re missing out on for not noticing, or rather for not being interested on what I have to offer. I know that you did notice but it just came across as cheesy and corny and maybe a little bit creepy but again it’s fine I get it. It’s just how I do things and I really wish you’d been on the same page with me. I would have been the perfect guy and before you say that that’s a promise I couldn’t keep, let me try to stress out that I have every intention in my heart to do so. That’s how much I wanted to be with you but again it’s fine, I get it.

I apologize for being too invasive with my letters and drawings and songs, they were things I couldn’t say to you, too much for words I thought. I realised I had plenty of raw emotions that I just couldn’t express through our short-lived conversations and so I tried to hide them behind my craft. I’m sorry if they made you uncomfortable. I get that mere art and poetry couldn’t win the heart of someone like you.

I would’ve loved you though, with all the love I could’ve given. I would’ve understood every imperfection I couldn’t see behind the blindness of what I felt, no, what I feel towards you. I would’ve listened to every story you feel imperative to tell because I know it’s important to you. I would have but never will, because you are the girl I’d never win over. You’re the one who would never have gotten away because you never stayed either. It’s fine, I get it. In this world of mine that has got a lot of conundrums, you’re the first one in line.

 

 

 

The Lonely Painter

There was a lonely painter, who painted everything he felt. Through his painting he visited every ray of emotion that the spectrum could give. Every stroke and colour has its meaning, every light and shade, every hue and every detail. One day he grew tired and lonely, he felt insignificant, he felt that however meaningful his works were, to the people who saw them, they’re just mere paintings done by a lonely painter. So he longed to find someone who’ll see the hidden messages that seemed invisible to everybody else, he wandered in search of a person who has the same insight and perspective as his, but winter came, and spring and then summer and fall. His search for someone bore no fruit, he still felt insignificant and lonely and sad, until one day someone walked past one of his works and felt the very feelings he has hidden in it. She immediately searched for this lonely painter, so eager to share with him the revelations that she just witnessed. They talked about everything, their past, future and present, their secrets and buried emotions, eventually they fell in love and for the longest time the lonely painter smiled once again, he finally found what he’s looking for, he finally felt significant and more than that he felt loved and cared for and understood. Years passed and the glimmer of light grew dim, as if the dawn was corrupted by the dark grey skies of the road ahead, their smiles became blank expressions, the words and things they talked about became boring and unbearable, the paintings became decorations and unsaturated, the meanings lost. The lonely painter was so caught up in the moment that he failed to realise what he was, he was so focused on both of them that he lost his own soul and drowned in the never ending flow of inspiration coming from her, he took all of it for granted and now he’s paying the toll. She told him he’s changed and that he wasn’t the guy she fell in love with anymore, she realised he was just a normal guy after all, and so she left and found the next one. The lonely painter was left alone once again, back to where he was, a full circle, back to zero. He began painting again and his paintings never looked more mezmerising and meaningful, he visited every range of emotion that the spectrum could offer and just like that he realised, that this talent of his is both a blessing and a curse, and that in order to bathe in its blessing is to be kept in the shadows of the curse; of being insignificant and lonely.

Beautiful

She smiles like no one ever does, the kind of smile that would pierce through your center. The type that would only leave you wanting to smile with her too, the rare ones. She wears glasses, ever since I knew her and we go way back, and it’s only now that I realise how sexy it is for a girl to wear them, maybe I’m being biased but what the hell, this blog is about her and what I feel towards it. She dresses perfectly simple, the combination of what Ive been looking for ever since I put the idea of simplicity as the most beautiful trait a girl could have. No unnecesarry make ups, in fact, she barely needs them, but of course some occasions require them and whenever she does put them on, unlike other girls, they actually add to her mesmerizing beauty. She talks differently from what I remember, it has gotten a lot cuter and sweet although it was, indeed, like that before. She’s smart, smarter than I am. She is beautiful, and the best part is that she doesnt know that she is, well, maybe she does but not like the way other girls do it. She’s simple, and the rest of it do all the work, her simplicity echoes her beauty and doesnt beg to be noticed, instead, it’s the kind of beauty that you’ll see the first time but needs to be understood because there’s just so much more underneath.

Why some guys can take for granted these rare ones, I would never understand. I found my rare one but under the current circumstances, I am stuck here half way across the world from her. I am afraid that if I let her go, I wont find another one like her again, not here anyway. So if you know, who you are, know that this is how I feel about you and if ever that the day would come when our paths collide with each other, I’d be sure to give everything Ive got to make you mine, my Florentein.